Too many times to count, I have made a steady change to something I do and it shifts my life around. Sometimes it is a healthy habit like showering before bed, not smoking after I shower, or trying to go to bed earlier. It seems like my results get worse each time.

I keep telling myself that I have been doing good with a few habits and to keep it up, but I keep resisting. For spending money I like to think that even though I may not immediately pay rent with my paycheck, I will eventually. I like to shower before bed because I know I would bring a lot of dirt into my bed, and I already bring enough from the floor I need to sweep and mop. When my bird poops, I know I should clean it up immediately, or the poop will toughen and harden. I know I should start that business and send that email and talk to that professor and jumpstart my career. The problem is that I know! I just don’t do everything that I know is right.

I wonder who would be at fault here and it has to be me. It’s not like I should expect somebody else to care about everything I care about and then do things for me. I have to do those things myself, like walking, tying my shoes, etc. See it was easy at first when I just wanted to prove everyone wrong. I liked to be capable back then because the real satisfaction came from the conquering of my obstacles. I’ve always been a scaredy cat, now that fear has manifested into anxiety. “I don’t want to be a famous author. I am afraid that if I wrote those books, then I would have to upkeep the attention.” I want the fame, but I don’t. I heard narcissists go through this struggle a lot of wanting to be seen but being afraid of attention. It’s like we know people are going to find out that kryptonite that destroys us.

Superman wouldn’t be super if he kept his kryptonite around, so I have to find away to get mine far away from me. Even still, avoiding my fears only makes them take more control over me. I wish that when clarity makes its way to me, that I acknowledge it and follow through. I wish to have the same confidence I have driving ten miles that I do in one. Sometimes pouring the wine superficially is just a waste as it pours down the sides. Too much conviction and all the wine spills out.

In the balance of willpower to do and to not, there is the needs, wants, and wishes that one day hope to be satisfied. If I want to live fully, I have to dig deep each day to encompass all of me. I have to acknowledge that although I may want something now, I may not want it forever, but it is okay to want. It is worse to not know your wants and have them control you. I may not always like the choices I make, but the better goal is to stick to the choices.

One foot in the boat and one on land will likely leave you in the water between. Taking that step from the platform to the traincab is dangerous, but the safest way to commit is all at once. Give yourself into the wave and surf it. Give yourself into the tide and you drown.